CHAIN LETTERS SUCK!




Hello, my name is Joe Dickhead. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme BO, fear of being kidnapped and executed by electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding fifty billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor six-year-old girl in Arkansas with an arm on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show. Who are these people? The people with the e-mail address emailking69@webtv.net, and the people who consider themselves, "The Almighty King of all that is Email", what a bunch of crap.


Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send his email to $1000? How stupid are you? How stupid are them?


Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get a visit from every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a bunch of crap. So basically, this message is a big "HEL-LO?!" to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my shitty apartment and murder me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.


If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to fifty of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being forwards about ninety times. I don't care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.



THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:



Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down) Make a wish!!! >
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>Keep Scrolling
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>No, really, go on and make one!!!
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>Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
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>Wish something else, damnit!!!
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>Not that, you pervert!!
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>STOP!!!!



Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :) Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be killed by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:


*Send this to 1 person: One person will be P.O.'ed at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be P.O.'ed at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be P.O.'ed at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a death plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be P.O.'ed at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will nuke your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!



Chain Letter Type 2:



Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the e-mails sent and this is all a complete load of crap. So go on, reach out. Send this to 15 people in the next 7 seconds. Oh, and a reminder -- if you don't send this to 14 or 16 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!



Chain Letter Type 3:



Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad jerks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works...pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:


*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Some ugly girl was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drain pipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!


*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Eric, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend Greg (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!!


Remember, you could end up just like that ugly girl and Eric and his boyfriend Greg. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.



Chain Letter Type 4



As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to all your friends. FRIENDS:

A friend is someone who is always at your side. A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of crap, and your breath smells like you've been eating cat food.

A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of butts.

A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.

A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be killed by mad gorillas, then thrown to vicious dogs.

A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves...no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.

A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.


Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never get another boyfriend/girlfriend again!



Chain Letter Type 5:



HEllo< SEND THESE MESSAGE TO 100 PEOPLE AND GOOD LUCk will sure HAPPEN TO YUO!!!11 I DONE PROOF OF THIS!!11 I done sent this to my BESTEST FRIEND GREG AND I DONE LANDED MYSELF A SUPERMODEL AND I DONE WON THE kENTUCKY STATE LOTTERY!111 it done true! it done 100% true!11 SEND IT NOW YOU ASS PIRATE!111



The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you friendless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't tick people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Eric and his gay friend Greg. Right?


Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find a piece a crap in your toilet tomorrow morning.