To women everywhere from the men who are sick to death of feminine hell.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If its up, PUT IT DOWN. We need it up, you
need it down. You never hear us bitch that you leave it down.

2. If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret girls, DON'T expect US to act
like those faggots from the soap operas.

3. If you think you're fat, you might be. DON'T ASK US. We refuse to answer.

4. Don't cut your hair.  Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short
hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women
always cut their hair, and by then, you're stuck with her.

5. Birthdays, valentines and anniversaries are NOT quests to see if we can
fin the perfect present YET AGAIN.

6. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

7. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. (Shocking, eh?) Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking unless you are prepared to discuss such
topics as hunting, fishing, sports information, construction or monster
trucks.

8. Sunday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and NO, we will NEVER think of it that way.  

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. You
have enough clothes, and you have entirely too many goddamn shoes.

11. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

12. Ask for WHAT YOU WANT. Lets be clear on this. Subtle hints DO NOT WORK.
Strong hints DO NOT WORK. Really obvious hints DO NOT WORK. WE ARE NOT MIND
READERS. JUST SAY IT!

13. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on
calendars.

14. Pissing while standing up requires the skill of a sniper. Though some of
us aim, we're bound to miss here and then.

15. Most guys own three, count 'em, THREE pairs of shoes. What makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of the thirty-plus that
come from the depths of your closet, would look good with your dress?

16. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to damn near every
question.

17. Come to us with a problem IF ONLY you want help solving it. That's what
we do.

18. A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

19. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

20. Check your oil.

21. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No matter what the quiz.

22. ANYTHING we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. ALL
COMMENTS become void after 7 days.

23. Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway. Its instinct. Its genetic.

24. You can tell us to do something OR tell us HOW to do something. NOT BOTH.

25. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.  

26. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

27. ALL men see in 16 colors. Peach is a FRUIT, not a color.

28. If it itches, it will be scratched.

29. If we ask "What's wrong?" and you say "Nothing," we will act like nothing
is wrong. We KNOW you're lying, but its just not worth the hassle.

30. (Where applicable) Beer, Knives, and Guns are exciting for us like
handbags, clothes and shoes are for you.

31. What the hell is a doily?