Nebraska Tourism Rules...

Issued by the Nebraska Tourism Bureau to all visiting tourists.

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Al's Oasis in
North Omaha.  Its a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let
them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the
kitchen they will kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Grand Island,
Plattsmouth, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a can or bottle of soda here. Here it is called pop.
Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We
are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to
us as a bunch of farmers or we will kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living
here.  Naturally we have small lapses in judgment from time to
time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state
to run for the senate.  If someone tried to do that we would kick
her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our giant scarecrows or our Indian made out of
plastic.  Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 post cards
can't be bad.  And in Lincoln don't point at the tiny one-room
school house or we will kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so
shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of
here or we will kick your ass.

8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone
will instantly know you are a tourist. Eat your steak rare like God
intended and have some potatoes too for heavens sake. Also don't
ask what a hot dish is or we will kick your ass.

9) Don't try to fake a Nebraska accent. We don't have an accent. Do
not mention the movie "Fargo" because that wasn't us and you will
get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk to us about how much better things are at home
because we know better. Many of us have visited big city hell-holes
like Detroit, New York, and Chicago and we have the scars to prove
it. If you don't like it here I-80 is ready when you are. Move your
ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Don't complain that Nebraska is flat and that there are not
enough trees. If you whine about our scenic beauty we will kick
your ass all the way back to Denver.

12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We speak only when spoken to. We
hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old people
because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave
yourself around our sweet little grey-haire grandmothers or they
will kick some manners in your sorry ass just like they did ours.

13) So you think we are quaint or losers because some of us live on
the farm?  That's because we have enough sense to not live in
filthy, crime infested cesspools like New York or Los Angeles..
Make fun of our fresh air and we will kick your ass.

14) Writing it "Oh Ma Haaaa" is not funny. Doing it will get your
ass kicked.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us
how the farm lands should "go back to the buffalo". This will get
your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once
and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass. Now enjoy your
visit and then go home.